I Eat The Elf (A Holiday Table)

*gags*

North Pole Elf
AC 13(+1 DEX), Move 120′, HD 1, HP 1, Pinch Cheeks 1d4, Morale 10.
Special:
Elf Tricks; A North Pole Elf can use their dirty elf magic(psionics) to perform various minor parlor tricks.

After crash landing in the North Pole over 200 years ago, the REDACTED were on the verge of death when Santa Claus found them and brought them back to the Claus Estate to recuperate. The REDACTED were forever grateful and vowed to repay Santa by working in his toy factory. They now call themselves the Elfs as their native name is unpronounceable without 2 tongues and a squeedlyspooch. There are currently 33 "elfs" at the Claus Estate.

So, I hate elves. I just don't think their cool or interesting or anything. They suck. And so with my hatred of Elves/Elfs, I present what happens when you consume a North Pole Elf! Happy Holidays!

I EAT THE ELF
As you swallow/snort/smoke/inject/etc the elf you feel a warmth flow throughout your body and...

1. You explode into a fine red mist that blows away in the wind. Yes, you just died. Fuck elfs am I right?
2. The Elf's DNA sequences itself onto your pathetic human strands. You slowly and painfully become a elf (with the above stats) over the course of 1d6+1 days. You retain the memories of your human life.
3. Your brain grows to twice its size. Your skull and neck muscles also grow to house the weight. Your INT becomes 18 or 20 if it was already 18. 
4. You gain a random psionic power, pull out that Dark Sun book. 
5. All your teeth fall out and are replaced by hair like bristles like a baleen whale.
6. You glow in the dark at night, with all the penalties/bonuses that come with that.
7. Your left hand painfully becomes a weird skin claw thing. You do gain a 1d4 pinch attack, that's kinda cool?
8. You become immune to all human diseases thanks to the elf's super immune system. The downside is you have to orally expel all the bile build up randomly every 1d4 days. The vomiting takes a turn. 
9. You no longer age thanks to the elf's ability to repair decayed DNA. However after 100 years you explode into a fine red mist. Why? Because fuck elfs that's why. 
10. You gain a squeedlyspooch, idk what it does but you have it. 

Magic Missile

Magic Missile, usually the first offensive spell a budding Magic-User adds to their grimoire. There’s a reason for this. Unlike glamors and charms, casting a spell with the intent to cause harm takes an unwell mindset and costs a sliver of humanity.

The Missile's Form

Every Magic Missile is a combination of past traumas, personal biases and environmental stimuli.

Roll a d20 to determine what your missile looks like.
Your chanting ceases and you point your finger at your foe. A glowing light coalesces before taking the form of…

1. Your mother’s severed head, freshly cut and sobbing.
2. A black serpentine creature with a thousand insectoid legs that crawls across air.
3. A single jaundiced eye that frantically looks at its surroundings.
4. A thorned rose stem, sans bud.
5. A human rib riddled with teeth marks.
6. A snarling and barking black dog head with glowing red eyes.
7. A cancerous hunk of flesh with hair and teeth jutting out.
8. A still beating heart that pours out coagulated blood with each slow pump.
9. An arrow carved from charred wood with a rusted iron head.
10. An unnaturally black hole that pulsates in time with your breath.
11. A circular saw fashioned from fish bones.
12. Iron nails twisted together to form a cross.
13. A chain of intertwined wedding rings with a fishing hook at the end.
14. A knife fashioned out of pages torn from the bible.
15. A ball of murky brackish water with a shadowed fish swimming inside.
16. A large iron key with eight fluttering moth wings.
17. An infant sized horsefly with a curled human finger at the end of each of its legs.
18. An amniotic sack with a lamb fetus twitching and squirming inside.
19. An egg made of obsidian with cracks filled with liquid amber.
20. A phallic stone object with a needle at the tip.

Don't’ like the edge? Try these hyper animesque missiles instead. (I’m a huge weeb lol)

1. A clock face with the hands slowly ticking towards midnight.
2. A spiral of cherry blossom petals.
3. A heart made of entwined tree twigs.
4. The spirit of your childhood animal.
5. A spear shaped icicle.
6. A javelin made of white hot fire.
7. A mocking Jack O’ Lantern.
8. A ball of sparkling glitter.
9. A fist made of stone.
10. A cat claw made of gold.

The Thing Under The Bed (Halloween Monster)

The Thing Under The Bed 
Armor 14, Move 120′, HD 3, HP 15, Psychic Attack 1d8, Morale 10. Special: Dragged Under
Save vs Paralyzation or be dragged under the bed. See Description.

*This monster only pops up on your random encounter tables during October.

Next time one of your characters(lowest CHA or the player who's the most cautious) tries to cuddle up in bed (favorite inn, property, etc) alone they will get an overwhelming feeling that something is under the bed. If the character gets out of bed, nothing stops them. If they check under the bed, nothings there. If they leave the room nothing happens and the encounters ends. BUT if they ignore that strange feeling and try to go to sleep then The Thing Under The Bed will pay a visit. 
The Thing will wait until the character is fast asleep to strike (Save vs. Paralyzation at -2) and try to drag the character under the bed with supernatural strength. If the character failed their save they are dragged under the bed. If they succeed they manage to fend off the attacker and may roll initiative.

Under the Bed

Characters who are successfully dragged under the bed are pitched into a cold desert-like plane of existence shrouded in total darkness. This realm is the Thing's digestive system and if feeds on fear and misery. The character is stuck here for 1d6+1 days. If the character survives the starvation and dehydration checks then they are spit out from under the bed unharmed save for being exhausted, starving and dehydrated X turns later where X is the number of days spent under the bed.

The Thing Under The Bed takes the form of whatever the character's player's worst nightmare is. That means doing some homework on your players.If the Thing fails it's morale check it will attempt to flee under the bed. If successful it disappears never to be seen again, or will it?
Happy Spooktober!

Blog Update:
Still working on that zine. Turns out decent writing is hella time consuming. lol

Wake Me When September Ends

Alright I'm going to be taking this month to finally finish writing my LotFP fanzine. So no new articles this month except for Recaps or if I really gotta get something out of my head.

As for the zine I'm gonna be using only Google docs to write it. Them I'm gonna go old school and print, copy and paste that shit together for the layout. lol I may or may not have a print version. I'll probably have one my players do the art for me. But yeah that's whats happening this month.
Finally I'm gonna get this thing done.

Dust to Dust (Threads of Fate, Session X)

We started pretty much where we left off last time, the player's had killed the Werewolf of nameless village 13 and a mob had formed. The party  explained the situation and asked the local medicine woman for help with their mauled companion Hubble.

BTW we hit Session 10, here's to 10 more!

The Cast:

Aki Ashina, Fighter 3:
A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks broken english and is looking for something or someone...

Phantom Howard Specialist 1:

A Frenchmen. Speaks Japanese for some reason.

Cillian McCleary, Specialist 2:
Irishman in a hostile land.

Richard Islands, Fighter 1:
Ex-soldier, now poor mercenary. Looking for work.

Linehart Helsbert, Magic-User 1:
Landlocked pirate looking for treasure and secrets. Only kind of violent now.

Axel Hubble. Fighter 3:
A man who mourns his dead sister, also goes on adventures now I guess.

The Medicine Woman...

The mob begins to disperse and a few take the Innkeeper's wife(the werewolf) to bury her. The Innkeeper is inconsolable. Islands asks for medical help for his mauled comrade Hubble from the dispersing crowd but only one person stays, a middle-aged woman, modestly clothed with greying hair. She introduces herself as Abigail the local medicine woman and tells them to bring Hubble to her house a bit outside the hamlet. Linehart Helsbert an old party member somehow catches up to the group, some questions are raised but not many. (Ref Notes: Had an old player rejoin the campaign.) Meanwhile McCleary finally wakes having slept all day and shuffles his way to town after hearing some commotion. He finds the hamlet empty but see's some candle light coming from a bit further into the woods, he goes to investigate. The rest of the party gathers around the badly wounded Hubble as the medicine woman tends and sutures his wounds. She tells the party he may not make it through the night when door to the hut is violently kicked open with McCleary standing in the doorway. Some words are exchanged between the party then Abigail asks Aki for a lock of her hair for some medicine and she agrees. After the medicine woman kicks everyone out and the party sleeps outside the hut not willing to leave Hubble to his fate alone. That night Hubble dreams of chasing a young maiden through woods, stark naked. When he finally catches up to her he rips into her stomach and pulls her innards out. Then he wakes up. The party thanks Abigail for her help and the party hits the road.

On the Road Again...

They continue their journey east towards the infamous Transylvania, 11 days of travel remain....

The first day passes without incident and the party stops to camp off the road. A fire is set and the they begin their meal...

The Transformation...

Hubble notices his Iron Rations taste a bit off...then the clouds part in the sky and the Full Moon emerges. Islands who sits across from Hubble sees the man stare longingly towards the moon. Then Hubble starts sweating profusely and feels hot, really hot. He starts disrobing complaining of the heat, then when he's fully nude he crouches down to all fours and the party can hear bones creak and crack as Hubble's transforms into the beast.

The Death of Phantom Howard...

A fight breaks out as I have Hubble attack his party members randomly. Aki is first and takes a double claw and bite attack but lives, barely. The party attacks Wolf-Hubble and deals minor damage, Helsbert begins casting his prepared Sleep spell. Islands pulls the magic sword from it's scabbard. The Frenchmen Howard is mauled down to 0 HP, Helbert casts his Sleep Spell and causes Wolf-Hubble to fall into a deep slumber for two turns. McCleary takes a vial of blood from the beast, I roll to see if he wakes up and the party has a shitfit. Lucky Hubble stays asleep. Islands, McCleary and Herbert decide to ditch Aki, Howard who are most certainly cursed, and the man-wolf Hubble. They quickly pack their wagon and ride off into the night. Aki runs into the woods and hides behind a large boulder. It starts to pour and Hubble wakes up to find the unconscious Howard lying nearby. He saunters over, sniffs the nearly dead man and rips into his throat and tears his stomach open sending steaming innards onto the rapidly soaking grass. Aki sees this and runs further into the woods with Hubble following shortly after. A game of cat and mouse lasts the entire night but Aki barely manages to keep out of the wolf's maw. When dawn comes Hubble wakes completely nude and walks towards the road. Eventually he see's Aki shambling up further and catches up her. The two find the camp from the previous night and gather their belongings. They continue back to the nameless hamlet thinking maybe the medicine woman can help them. They also see Howard's mutilated remains but don't take the time to bury him.

Split the Party, Team Corn

Meanwhile the others traveled through the night, terrified, on horse drawn wagon and managed to stumble upon another small village. Islands prays to the dice gods that someone speaks english and finds one such man after asking around the hamlet. The man introduces himself as Dirk Dirkington. Islands asks him if there's a library. Dirk just laughs and tells them instead of his current plight. (Ref Note: Do I smell a quest?) Dirk says that every friday night the devil come to his cornfield and cuts down his corn. Despite Dirk's proclamation of "Devil, you get out ma corn!" the devil continues unperturbed. Islands, McCleary and Helberts say they will take care of the devil if Dirk takes them to the local church and translate for them. Dirk agrees. Islands speaks to Father Varnell and ask if he knows anything about Werewolves. He doesn't. They go back and stay at Dirk's place until Friday.

Split the Party, Team Teen Wolf

Aki and Hubble walk tired and defeated back to the nameless village of the attack. Luckily for them a kind vegetable salesman on horse drawn cart pulls over to give them a ride to the hamlet of which he's riding to. The party thanks the man and when they arrive back at the village they immediately head over to the Abigails hut but find no one at home. They ask around and find out the woman spends her day foraging in the woods. It takes a couple hours but eventually they find the woman. Aki pleads for her to help them but the woman says she can do nothing but mend their wounds. They spend the night at the local inn who's now run by younger woman after the widowed innkeeper disappeared. In the morning they ride back with the vegetable salesman to the next village.

The Devil in the Corn

Aki & Hubble thanks the vegetable salesman and the pair meets up with the rest of the party. Some trepidation is had about having two werewolves in the party but the next full moon isn't for another month. The party meets at Dirk's friday night and they make their way to the cornfield to hunt the devil. The party arrives, light their torches and split up into the corn. After an hour and close calls the party emerges with the culprit. A man wearing a red devil mask. The party brings the masked man to Dirk and they unmask him and surprise it's a man from a neighboring hamlet. When questioned the man explains he just wanted to help cull the field. Dirk gives the ok and the party kicks the crap out of the "devil".

...and that's where we ended for the night. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!

The Road Less Traveled (Threads of Fate, Session IX recap)

Session IX in my on-going online LotFP campaign. Start here with Session I. After witnessing Francesa Delamore become a saint by Heaven's will, the party receives their next assignment from The Night: travel to Amsterdam and meet the Magnificent Joop Van Ooms!

Sidenote*
With google hangouts going away soon. I decided to try Discord again and it went pretty well! Guess my internet was just shit the last time.

The Cast:

Aki Ashina (Fighter 3)

Richard Islands (Fighter 2)

Axel Hubble (Fighter 2)

Cillian McCleary (Specialist 1)

Phantom Howard (Specialist 1)

R&R, Rest & Rewards...

After Aki & Hubble fled the scene of the crime they met up with McCleary and Richards and unfortunately chose NOT to stay in the flea infested, plague ridden town of Pavia, after some sarcastic remarks from me(yes, I'm a nice guy). They instead chose to camp outside for three days & nights while Mr. Hubble recovered from his fight with the holy dead. Before that however they met with a scribe who appeared on behalf of their employer The Night to document their heavenly encounter. When finished, the scribe packed up his freshly minted report and was on his way, before he left earshot he said that their reward will arrive tonight after nightfall.

While camping in the wilderness they receive a mysterious package from their employer with no courier in sight, it just appeared when they weren't looking. The black ribboned, red-box held a letter and strange silver coin inside. The letter read: 

"Fine work gentlemen, witnessing Heaven's meddling is a rare encounter indeed. Your reward is one of  Judas' 30 pieces of silver. A rare item indeed, when given to a person it allows thou to make one suggestion that MUST be obeyed as long as it causes no harm to them. Now travel to the great city of Amsterdam & meet the man named Joop Van Ooms."

Sincerely, The Night

The Road less Traveled...

After resting up the party begins their long trek north across worn torn europe. They were lucky the first time traveling south to Milan but will their luck hold out again?! (Ref Notes: As I gidley get my wartime random encounters list out, the party begins talking about monster hunting. Oh no...)

"Yeah, we can totally hunt monster after we survived those zombies!" 

"Lets go to Transylvania!"

"The Night didn't give a timeframe to get to Amsterdam..."

And just like that the party turns right at a fork in the road and travels east towards Transylvania. According to some wack math and a quick google map check, I rule it'll take 24 days to get there from Venice, their first major stop to stock up before the journey. So after a barrage of random encounter checks(nothing much to my dismay) the party arrives in Venice, the city of love.

Venice, the City of Love and random encounters...

Source

Tired of rations they stop at one of the many restaurants(one near a canal) and eat some world famous cheese and wine. While eating they befriend a new party member named Phantom Howard, unfortunately for the party he only speaks French & Japanese(lol that Language check), so, a hilarious game of telephone unravels between Aki, Howard and the rest of the party.  A small poor boy approaches Phantom Howard and asks him for a single silver coin. "Just one for my sick sister mister" the boy says teary eyed. Howard, a big softie pulls a coin and hands it over. The boy thanks the man profusely and is on his way but not before a whisper is barely heard by the party. "Sucker..."

(Ref Notes: McCleary leveled up last Session and rolled on my specialist level up table, he got I SEE DEAD PEOPLE. lol of course he did.) While eating, McCleary sees a tall pale man dressed in all black and a long hat. The man seems a bit surprised Islands is watching him go by and tips his hat at him then disappears into the busy street.

(Ref Notes: I had recently watched Fantastic Dimension's Rogues to Riches campaign and loved how one of the random encounters from the Magnificent Joop Van Ooms played out so I used it here.)

They continue their meal and just as they finish and are preparing to leave a sailor approaches the party with sweat beading down his face. He asks them if they are interested in buying a rare treasure from the far lands of Egypt. Phantom Howard translates the French sailor's words. The party is intrigued and goes to the man's ship on the docks. They hesitantly go down(with Aki the HP sponge first of course) to the full cargo hold and the sailor weaves between stacked crates, lantern in hand, to the middle of the room. He sets down the lantern on a nearby crate and pulls a crowbar from beside a enormous custom crate, then using the tool, unseals the top. The party gathers and looks inside. "Just looks like a coffin me." someone remarks. "It is, a rare one with treasure inside." The sailor plants his feet and slowly pushes the stone lid aside revealing a feminine mummified corpse holding a golden rod in each hand and wearing a gold mask. "It's all yours, for 500 silver..." The party asks for a moment and discuss this amongst themselves. Unfortunately they don't have enough and wouldn't have a way to transport it so they decline. The sailor kicks them off the ship and curses them for wasting his time.

On the road again...

Alright so traveling long distances is kinda boring, kinda dangerous. I didn't just want to handwave it like I did when they went to Pavia so I just rolled a random encounter check once each day with a 2-in-6 chance of something happening.

The first 5 days pass with nothing happening, Richards messes with the puzzle box he stole from Francesca's husband's grave and eventually passes a INT check which lets him learn a single premutation towards solving it. On the sixth day one of their wheels break on their carriage so they send two up the road to a small village to try and find a new wheel or someone to fix it. After failing their language checks to learn Hungarian they return with someone who can, who happens to be Hubble. After some roleplay they pay a blacksmith to fix the wheel, costing them 30sp.

On the 11th day out their 24 day journey, a sudden torrential downpour bombardes the party and not wanting to get stuck on the road they backtrack to a small Inn a mile back. (Ref Notes: This would have been the perfect chance to run A Stranger Storm out of the Referee Book but one of my players has played it already and I don't think I could trick him again. lol)

Bad Moon Rising

They arrive at the Black Goose and are greeted to an empty tavern with a single man with some years on him cleaning the bar, he greets them in hungarian, ushers them in and starts a fire. They engage in small talk with Hubble translating and learn that the man lost his wife to a terrible accident two years prior. Eventually the party lets loose they're looking for monsters and the innkeep now named Garrett tells them that he used to be an adventurer like them and that the local town indeed has a monster problem. Intrigued they listen to the tale of a beast that comes to the town and kills one person this time of year, under a full moon. Wouldn't ya know it, tomorrow is a full moon!

The party pack in for the night and plan to talk to the townsfolk tomorrow.

McCleary hears a rapping on his bedroom door...he doesn't answer it and his player disappears from the game for the rest of the session. (Ref Notes: Later I learned he had to attend to some sudden personal matters but I thought the timing was hilarious.)

The next day the party heads to the town talk to some townsfolk. McCleary spends the entire day in his room. The town is a small dreary place, very Sleepy Hollow. Hubble is able to piece together from the very hesitant to talk townsfolk that the Innkeeper's wife didn't die in an accident, she died to the beast! The plot thickens. They also learn where she died and mark it on their map. Richards & Howard go the kill site and Hubble and Aki goes back to the Black Goose.
The newly minted self-proclaimed "investigators" integrate Garrette and he spills the beans saying that his wife IS the beast and was cursed to change into a beast like the one that hurt her. Hubble notices that between the sobs he constantly stares at a wall towards the back of the inn.

Meanwhile Richards and Howard find the "kill" site, a cleared field with an unusual amount of belladonna growing there. It's almost nightfall when it starts to rain. They start heading back and feel eyes watching them from the woods, they quicken their pace. When they get a few minutes from town they hear a blood curdling scream. They sprint to town and see all the buildings and houses are closed except for one. A two story house has it's first floor door broken inwards with such force it hangs off its hinges. They pull their weapons and make their way upstairs. A hysterical woman is on her knees sobbing uncontrollably in a child's room with hands outstretched towards a broken window, she just repeats "it took my baby!" The adventures return to ground level outside and see a quickly dissipating blood trail in the rain leading into the woods from the window. Hubble and Aki who had heard the scream all the way from the Black Goose run back to town and are greeted to the grisly spectacle. Instead of running headlong into danger the party decides to backtrack to the inn and interrogate Garrett some more.

Eventually Garret relents and tells them that he found a magic sword during his adventuring days and used it to save his life when he and his wife were attacked in the field outside town two years ago. He managed to slay the beast but his wife was bitten and then changed into the same beast the next night killing a local. He hid the blade swearing he could never harm his wife. After some convincing from the party he says that if they can put down his wife he will gift them the sword. The party agrees and they break the wall and find a secret compartment hiding a blade wrapped in cloth, when inspected it seems like just an average old sword. (Ref Notes: The players are long time LotFP players and are skeptical of any magic items I give them, as they should be)
Skeptical but not having any other plan AND wanting to be "monster hunters" the party returns to town. When they arrive Richards & Hubble begin arguing over who should wield the blade in battle. While bickering they heard another quick scream, then silence. A huge black furry figure jumps from the same shattered second floor window dragging the now limp mother behind it and quickly disappears into the woods. They give chase.

Eventually the catch up to the beast and they can hear the sickening sound of flesh pulled from bone. 30ft up ahead they can see the huge black wolf-like creature tearing into the woman's torso pulling steaming innards out with each tug that then fall lazily in the mud. The wolfthing turns and sees the party, it rises to its hind legs then howls at the moon. Initiative is rolled.

Round 1:

• Richards slashes at the beast, dealing a mere flesh wound that immediately starts to sizzle and heal.
• The Monster swipes at Richards with both its claws and tries to bite but misses all three attacks!
• Hubble draws the magic sword and slashes at the beast and  The creatures takes notice of the sword.
• Aki gracefully closes the distance and deals major damage with her katana, severing the creature's claw!
• Howard fires into melee barely missing Hubble who can feel the round wiz past his face.

Round 2:

• The wolfthing tears into Hubble with its claw and bite attack dealing major damage, Hubble drops the blade.
• Richards runs over picks up the blade and manages to decapitate the monster!

A mob can be heard forming in the distance. The party catches their breath and looks over at the monster but sees only the decapitated body of an gray haired, naked woman. Richards picks the head up and tosses it further into the woods? The first of the mob arrives at the battlefield.

"Oh my God." he says.

And that's where we ended it for the night. Thanks for reading!

Read Session X here!

Il Cimitero Sulla Collina (Threads of Fate, Session VII & VIII Recap)

-I'll be using this post for two recaps, since Session 7 & 8 took place at the same adventure site.- 

This campaign has had some strange twists and turns, from adventuring to slife of life business simulator then back to adventuring. The players seem to be enjoying it, I'm enjoying it,gaming life is good.

Here's the blurb I wrote for the Sugar & Spice (Threads of Fate, Session VII) event page:

Madame Aki & Mr.Hubble learned a valuable lesson, killing weird plague-masked entrepreneurs sends even weirder peeps your way. The Night paid a visit to the Pink Pearl and wrote up a new contract; the Pink Pearl will provide fresh bodi-er I mean brave adventurers to send on her errands. Three nights after Aki signs a letter arrives at the doorstep of the Pink Pearl...

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 2:
A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks kinda fluent english and is looking for something or someone...

Axel Hubble. Fighter 1:
A man who mourns his dead sister, also goes on adventures now I guess.

Richard Islands, Fighter 1:
Ex-soldier, now poor mercenary. Looking for work.

Cillian McCleary, Specialist 1:
Irishman in a hostile land.


The letter essentially said to travel to Italy and find a small town named Pavia west of Milan. There the dead rise from their graves at the local cemetery, the characters are to find the cause. The player's had been wanting to get back to adventuring and now was the perfect time. I'll be writing this recap bullet point style since I'm going from memory. (Ref Notes: I essentially just fast traveled the party to Italy which is probably bad but fuck it I just wanted to get to the adventure.)

• Party arrives in Italy after long harrowing journey. The discover Italy is struck with the plague and many of the villages and towns they pass are ghost towns. They party meets some of the body removal company on the road and do there best to puke from the stench of death.
• Plague masks are bought to counteract the plague.
• They find the small town of Pavia and see a huge walled cemetery on a hill towards the back.
• They ask the remaining residents if they have seen any dead men walking. No one has.
• The party discovers that the cemetery is owned by the widow Francesca who's husband died last year.
• The party makes their way to the cemetery and finds a young man with sandy brown hair digging graves. Introductions are made and the party inquires about Francesa with 20 questions. The boy is suspicious and tells them that he'll pass it on to her that they want to talk to her. The party agrees and seemingly takes their leave.
• Instead the walk the further in to the cemetery and find a small house in the middle of it. The party deduces this must be where the widow lives. The stake out in a local crypt and wait for night to fall. They know from their previous investigations in town that Francesca is a night owl.
• Night falls and a woman emerges from the house. She has brunette hair, leather wrapped around her arms and strange pistol with two barrels in her hand.
• The cemetery which was almost pitch black lights up with candle light, lit by no one...
• The caw of a crow can be heard in the distance.
• They party follows, or attempts to follow Francesca. That's when they encounter the first dead.
• A man steps into the candlelight, his face is pale and gaunt. His clothes are shabby and stained with dirt but it's his eyes that catch the party's attention. Around his pupil's have a eerie white light around them. "Good evening" he says then lunges at the party.
• Initiative breaks out and the deadman tries to take a chunk out of McCleary but misses.
• The party manages to get some solid hits on the undead and take him out.
• All the comotion draws Francesa to the scene. She accuses the party of being grave robbers and levels her custom pistol at Islands. They explain that they've come to help and investigate the dead rising from their grave. She doesn't believe them but at this point welcomes any help she can get. She tells them the dead started rising after her husband died almost a year ago. He was the first to wake up and came to visit her at their house in Pavia. 
• The party immediately puts two and two together and asks to exhume the husband's grave. Francesca refuses but relents after the party pleads that it may be the only way to stop the dead.
• Francesca leads the party to her late husband's grave only after being attacked by more of the strange white ring-eyed dead. No PC casualties.
• They make it to the grave and Islands & McCleary see the grave has a large stone slab over it. Francesca explains she had it put there to insure her husband doesn't escape again.
• Francesca doesn't want to see her husband again so she begins her patrol of the cemetery, Aki joins her and are attacked by more white ringed dead. No casualties. Aki hears a crow and strange whispers coming from behind a crypt. She investigates and finds an albino crow whispering to a grave. She tries to shoot it but misses. It flies away.
• Meanwhile back at the grave after an hour the duo manages to get to the coffin and open it. They see a withered old corpse with a bullet in it's head. They also find some treasure: a gold ingot and a weird box. They steal them of course. McCleary hides the gold bar in the pile of dirt.
• Aki & Francesca return and Francesca's see's that the gold bar has been stolen, she pulls her pistol on the double thieves. They manage to talk their way out of it somehow. (Ref Notes: Looking back I should have had Francesca shoot one or both of them.) They rebury the husband and are attacked by more white-ring eyed dead. The candles go out and Four small children emerge from the darkness into the party's torchlight, they have exaggerated grins on their rotting faces.

...and that's where we ended it for the night.

Session VIII

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 2:
A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks kinda fluent english and is looking for something or someone...

Axel Hubble. Fighter 1:
A man who mourns his dead sister, also goes on adventures now I guess.

• Only two players this Session so I had Islands and Richards mysteriously disappear(flee) into the night.
• Aki, Hubble and Francesca manage to fend off the dead kids with minimal injuries.
• I don't remember if it was last Session or this one (Ref's Notes: I need to take better notes for these recaps or write them ASAP but fuck it this a recap not some professional shit. lol) but the party had fought a "boss" zombie. While exploring the cemetery they heard a voice bec-I remember now, it was last Session. Anyways they heard a voice coming from one of the crypts pleading for the party to let the dead man out. They decline. It then offers to tell them a secret if they do. They decline again. While walking away it yells out to McCleary by name and offers to tell him a secret about his wife and child back in Ireland. This gets his attention. He walks up to the crypt and the man tells him his wife is having quite the time with the neighbor man. He offers more secrets from heaven if he opens the door. McCleary declines the dead man roars with laughter and says his friends are here. The party is surprised as plague-ridden corpses lumber to them, additionally a small child-like zombie sneaks around and opens the crypt. The Floating man emerges from the darkness. Francesca shoots the plague-boiled corpses.
• The Floating Man is a strange emaciated corpse with the signature white rings where his eyes should be. Hubble's is grabbed during the battle by the Floating Man but luckily manages to escape it's grapple check before he is thrown down from 20ft in the air. The battle ends when the floating man is speared to from air to the ground. 
• Ok now back to Session VIII. Aki & Hubble curses their party members sudden disappearance but continue exploring the cemetery on the hill. Aki remembers the weird crow she saw earlier and tells Hubble. They begin to suspect the crow is the real interloper and start hunting it down. After more random dead encounters and barely missing the white crow they finally manage to sneak around and find it. It's whispering in a strange language to a grave from atop a tombstone. Aki shoots it but barely misses it. Hubble tries and hits but his bullet seemingly hits a strange invisible force. The trio are then blinded by a bright white light and a booming voice almost deafens them. It says "Who meddles with the machinations of heaven!" The voice then tells Francesca that she is destined for Sainthood and tells the other party members to slay Francesa and promises a reward if they do so. Aki & Hubble are hesitant but agree after Francesca wishes to please Heaven. After this the duo feel no qualms whatsoever and go forth with the execution. Francesca kneels with hands outstretched towards the heavenly light. Aki draws her sacred katana and cuts! and rolls a 1 and instead lops an arm off. Francesca howls and keels over in pain. Aki panics and looks a Hubble who has his hand over his face.Aki then puts poor Francesca out of her misery by slicing her throat. "Good" the voice says and the light immediately dims and fades to nothing. Aki and Hubble look down and Francesca and then back at each other. "We should get out of here." And they did.

and that was pretty much it for these two sessions. Hope you enjoyed it!

Read Session IX here!

The Night Comes Home (Threads of Fate, Session VI Recap)

This was a strange short Session, I almost cancelled since I only had 2 of my regular players but decided to try anyways. I'm glad I did. Here's the blurb I posted on the event page:

Business is good at the Pink Pearl, the whores are well fed, the Johns happy, and the owner's purses are stuffed. Life is good. What could go wrong?

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 2:

A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks kinda fluent english and is looking for something or someone...

Axel Hubble. Fighter 1:
A man on a search to find his long lost sister Mildred Hubble...

The Night Comes Home...

• About a month has passed since Vespero was killed. The decapitated vampire spawn was staked for good measure and buried in a shallow grave. Later on the grave was found empty when checked...
• The Pink Pearl has flowered into a profit and life for our intrepid adventurers become routine and easy. This should be the end of the campaign right? Ha, were it so easy.
• Two weeks ago the owners received a package at their doorstep one morning. Richards, a cautious man took the package and burned it before opening. (Ref Notes: What could it have been?)
• Otto was furious his employer Vespero was murdered and took a one time 10% of the total profits and left the party to retire in his homeland. (Ref Notes: Also my games are apparently too sacreligious so there's that.) The party is surprisingly fine with this considering they killed Vespero for even susesting 10%.
• On this night Richards is out on business advertising. 
• On this night McCleary is out on opium business.
• On this night Mildred Hubble's brother Axel finally finds the last place his sister was seen, the Pink Pearl. Hubble was expecting a intriguing mystery to find out what happened to her but instead Madam Aki tells him his sister was killed by a man who is now also dead. Mystery solved. Not knowing what do now next he decides to work at the Pink Pearl.
• On this night the guards tell Aki someone, strange is coming up the road. 
• Aki and Hubble look out on the porch and see a strange sight. A person, tall enough to loom over the 6 foot wall around the brothel, dressed in flowing black robe with a large circular black hat approaching the Brothel.
• It arrives near the front and is stopped by the very spooked guards.
• It stands almost 7 1/2 feet and wears the face of an older woman with milky white eyes with a pulled back grin much like the Hellraiser Cenobites.
• "Hello, I am The Night and I come here in search of my colleague Vespero." she says with the voice of a woman.
• Aki plays dumb and says that Vespero left sometime ago. "I see" she says. She then pulls a map and shows it to Aki. The map has a strange line that slithers like a snake going from London to Nonsbeck. "I know Vespero is here, may I come in?" Aki hesitates but relents. The Night shrinks to about 5 1/2 feet and enters the premise.
• The madam puts her new guest upstairs in one of the rooms and offers her "company" The Night declines and instead asks for sugar water.
• Afterwards, Aki takes Hubble into the doctor's office and explains the situation. She also realizes that Vespero is indeed still here at the brothel when she looks at the ground and sees his ashes scattered all over the floor. She and Hubble frantically scoop Vespero into a cheap vase and plan to escape into the nearby woods to throw his ashes into a stream. "That should get rid of her" Hubble says.
• Aki & Hubble sneak away on horseback and ride into the night...
• While riding they see a black shadow besides them. Nobody looks up.
• They get to the stream and just when they're about to throw Vespero in it, they're stopped by their stalker, the Night.
• "Tell me what happened, the truth and you may live." she says very villany.
• They tell their story and the Night tells them that she now holds all of Vespero's contracts including theirs. However unlike Vespero she does not care money and instead craves knowledge and new experiences. Instead of their brothel profit, they must complete the tasks she asks. (Ref Notes: Yes I gave them a quest-giver but to be fair they did want to go on adventurers again...) Aki & Hubble contemplate killing dis ol bitty too but eventually decide not to, how bad could her tasks be?
• They sign their names on a new contract and The Night flies off into the dark skies above.

And that was it for this Session. What devious quest will The Night send the group on and how will the rest of the party react to the news? Find out next time and thanks for reading!

Read Session VII & VIII here!

Growing Pains (Threads of Fate, Session V Recap)

Session V of my ongoing Lamentations of the Flame Princess Campaign. Start with Session I here.

The party's newly christened Pink Pearl is finally open for business. I was worried about how I was gonna fill out this Session with material but luckily improvising is one of my stronger skills and I think everyone had some laughs. Alright with that said, Brothel Simulator is officially starting...now.

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 1:

A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks broken english and is looking for something or someone...

Cillian McCleary, Specialist 1:

Irishman in a hostile land.

Mildred Hubble, Magic-User 1: 

A horny 12 year old girl from a very secretive school for young spellcasters.

Richard Islands, Fighter 1:
Ex-soldier, now poor mercenary. Looking for work.

Downtime Activities

A month passes before opening night and the party finishes work on their brothel called the Pink Pearl. During this month they completed the following tasks:

1. Built a small wall around the brothel.
2. Furnished the Brothel.
3. Hired two guards
4. Spent some coin on advertising.
5. Built a opium den.
6. Made some deals with the local farmers for deals on food.

The night before the brothel opens the party receives a letter from their business partner Vespero saying he'll arrive on opening night with a rich potential client. The party is skeptical of this.

Opening Night

• Aki claims the title of Madam of the Pink Pearl and prepares the working girls for opening night.
• The guards posted at the gate tells the party their first guest is coming up the road in a beautiful black carriage pulled by two pales horses. Ominous enough?
• OH YEAH, Otto's player didn't join us this game so we had his character out of town running business errands. 
• The carriage pulls up to the Pink Pearl the horses neigh and whine before coming to a stop. The driver dressed in expensive clothes for the time tips his hat and drops down from the drivers's seat and opens the carriage door for his passenger.
• Out steps a beautiful woman dressed in a large white flowing dress of obvious Eastern European descent with strawberry blonde hair. She smiles at Aki who steps out from the porch to greet her. They exchange pleasantries and step inside. The woman never says her name and the party doesn't ask for some reason...
• They sit their guest in the parlor and bring her cheap wine Richards & Hubble managed to cobble together at the last minute. The women are brought out before the client. 
• The Noble woman chooses the best looking one and they are escorted to a room upstairs.
• Meanwhile, 3 men are pulled from some bushes by the guards and brought to Aki, they say they heard there was an opium den here and wanted to partake. McCleary who is in charge of the den is introduced to the men and he takes them upstairs. Much opium is consumed.
• The party discuses their new client and start to ask some questions, such as payment, which wasn't given...
• A while passes and they go up to the room to check in. They knock, no response. They knock, again and the client replies with a low "Yes?" We just wanted to make sure everything was alright..."  Aki asks, "oh yes, everything is fine. I was just about to head out." the client says.
• A minute passes and Aki opens the door to find the client just finishing to get dressed and the prostitute on the bed, pale and breathing slowly. The woman passes Aki who goes to the girls side to check her. Hubble and Richards stop the highborn woman at the door. "Oh you want your pay of course" she says. "I'll have my man servant bring it form my carriage." Aki sees the prostitute is slow to respond to stimulus and asks the client what she did. "Oh, how embarrassing, shes just exhausted is all." She begins to leave and the party watches her seem to almost glide down the stairs, though that must be a illusion from her flowing dress...
• Richard meets the manservant outside who has pulled a small chest from the carriage. He opens it and finds a wealth of silver coins. He counts it out and finds it to be 500sp. The manservant helps his mistress back into the carriage but not before she thanks Richards for her time here. The manservant slides into the driver's seat of the carriage and stirs the horses to move with a loud "Yah-Yah" and down the road they go, into the dark of night.
• The party seems confused for a moment before Aki reamerges with the girl in her arms. "She needs to see the Doctor" she says.
• They bring the girl to Girnnot and place her on the table in the center of the room. The doctor demands privacy for his examination. 
• Meanwhile the guards inform the owners that more guests have arrived. A standard white carriage pulls up with Vespero in the driver's seat, the party greets him and tell him that they just met his rich client and were paid quite well. Vespero tilts his head in a mockery of confusion and says "Interesting but I drove the client out here myself tonight, I'm afraid I don't know who you dealt with." (Ref Notes: lol)
• Vespero introduces a Fat Noble man whose name I have since forgotten. Its not that important anyway, he just buys one of the girl's time and offers to buy Aki's as well for a shitload of coin. Aki refuses. 
• Meanwhile McCleary and the three men are dancing in clouds of opium.
• Girnnot takes Aki into the doctor's quarters and recants that the girl has lost a lot of blood and will not survive the night and proceeds to shows two small puncture wounds on the girl's inner thigh. 
• Vespero sits in the parlor with Richards and Hubble to discuss future business. (Ref Notes: Let me remind you that Otto made the deal with Vespero for 15% of all profits in exchange for Vespero brining clients, which he has. The party is not happy with this deal.) Richards offers to buyout Vespero's stake, which he refuses. Richards then offers to sell Vespero a vampire. Vespero says he's not interested but would like to see it.
• Richards, Aki, Hubble and Vespero pile into the doctor's quarters to "examine the vampire" the real reason being the party wants to kill Vespero. Vespero examines the girl and again says he isn't interested. Hubble attempts to sneak behind Vespero in a small room and fails her stealth check. Vespero sees this pulls a  pistol from under his sleeve and shoots Hubble point blank, killing her. Initiative is rolled, the party wins and swiftly snuffs out the antiquarian. (Ref notes: *sighs*)
• Vespero's body bursts into greenish flames and begins to spread. Suddenly the girl on the table convulses then floats two feet into the air, wakes with a sickening grin and laugh then lunges at Aki. Initiative is rolled again and after two rounds the vampire spawn lays decapitated.The two swiftly try and put the fire out and barely manage to contain it before it spreads.
• The Noble comes down satisfied and asks where Vespero has gone, the party tells him that he had sudden important business to attend to and that the Pink Pearl will have his nobleness driven back to London. After a reaction roll check, he agrees.
• McCleary comes to after his drug laden dream and robs the three men and has them thrown out on to the road.

And that was pretty much it for this Session. Thanks for reading, let me know what you think in the comments. Also R.I.P Mildred Hubble, she who never cast a spell despite being a M-U.

Read Session VI here!

The Bawdy House of Nonsbeck (Threads of Fate, Session IV & 4.5 Recap)

Session IV of my ongoing Lamentations of the Flame Princess Campaign. Start with Session I here. The party is dead set on starting up this brothel. They bought some prostitutes in London and now journey back to Nonsbeck to start up their new business. Yes I'm super behind on these recaps, life(laziness) happens.

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 1:

A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks broken english and is looking for something or someone...

Otto Kuchin, Fighter 1:

Nobleman's son, turned sellsword, turned monster hunter. From Prussia.

Mildred Hubble, Magic-User 1: 

A horny 12 year old girl from a very secretive school for young spellcasters.

Richard Islands, Fighter 1:
Ex-soldier, now poor mercenary. Looking for work.

On the Road Again...

The Party buys a wagon & two horses and make their way back to Nonsbeck with the *sighs* merchandise. It’ll take 3 days from London. A suggestion is made by one of the more rational characters to hire some more experienced prostitutes before they leave but decide the girls are, “good enough”.

On the second night some of the younger children attempt to flee into some nearby woods but are subsequently caught and tied up. (Ref Notes: These retainers have low as shit loyalty scores, I hope the party isn't betrayed...)

The night before arriving in Nonsbeck the party is ambushed by the "possessed" girl they saved from the basement of other Nonsbeck's nunery. She has two bandit looking men with her and she yells "That's them misters, they have lots of treasure!" then runs off down the road. A quick combat encounter ensures and thanks to some good cover choices the bandits are quickly dispatched without damage taken. The party agrees to kill the girl should they see her again.

Work, Work, Work...

As they come up the road they hear the familiar sound of hammer against metal coming from the local blacksmith. The following is a quick recounting of what they did, this session was mostly brothel prepping so meh to me trying to narrate it.

• The party splits up with one half taking the girls to the brothel & the others to dawdle in town.
• They go to the church to see if they can hire a cleric to heal the prostitutes of any future diseases from work.
• Some roleplay with the residents of Nonsbeck, the Blacksmith's apprentice, the innkeepers, the farmers...etc, etc. (Ref notes: I'm writing this months later so the details are hazy. Yes I'm lazy)
• They meet Deacon Girnot and he agrees to come work for them as a healer.
• Otto arrives at the brothel and begins inspecting the women. The younger kids are trained for  kitchen work and the women are inspected for diseases. They discover one of women is biologically male. Her name is Luca and Aki immediately takes her as her retainer and trains her in the way of the blade. The others are fine with this.
• Otto begins work on a wall around the brothel.
• Deacon Girnot is given a small office in the brothel and confesses that he stole a colleague's spellbook and is on the run. He's also not a cleric but Magic-User with only one minor heal spell. The party say they will protect him if he does his medical duties of cleansing the whores. He takes the offer. 
• I tell the players it'll take the players a month of work and expenses to get the brothel up and  running. 
• Aki & Luca exchange knowledge over the course of the month. Aki finally learns English & Luca learns how to fight.
• Mccleary gets in touch with some old contacts and begins work on an opium den for the brothel.

Session 4.5 was a small play-by-post I ran between Session IV & V. Richards, Hubble, and Luca plan to go to Norwich to find a musician and hire some experienced prostitutes for the newly christened brothel the Pink Pearl.

• 2 days travel to Norwich, no random encounters rolled.
• They stop at an inn called the Golden Goose to rest for the first night of travel.
• They meet Olga, a Prussian immigrant whom the party immediately gets attached to.
• Richards offers to do some work for Olga and she has him wash the dishes in the back. There's at least 3 turns worth.
• The others see a man with cloak obscuring his face sitting towards the back of the inn by candle light....
• Hubble & Luca approaches him and essentially asks him what his deal is.
• The man smiles and says he's a traveler from the far east, and calls himself the King of Games
• He offers to play a game for some coin and Luca aggress much to the dismay of Richards in the back.
• Eventually Luca loses more coin than they all have combined and the Gambler says that unfortunately he must take his leave but must be paid first. Richard finally finishes those dishes but intervenes too late.
• Seeing they don't have enough coin, the Gambler offers to settle the debt by taking Luca's name. She agrees and signs it away. Suddenly the rest of the party can't remember her name. The Gambler folds up the name, nonchalantly puts it away and takes his leave.
• Richards chastises No Name, now called Nanachi. They party thanks Olga for the meal and rooms and turns in for the night.
• The party arrives at Norwich.
• Experienced prostitutes are hired.
• A very good musician is found and hired called Beatritx de Dia.
• Satisfied the party returns to Nonsbeck, again no random encounters occur. 

I finally got to test my Gambler monster and the players finally get to work on building their brothel, THE PINK PEARL. I'm not sure how I feel about running a business simulator but that's what the players want and I'm sure there are plenty of ways to mess with them to entertain me. Thanks again for reading!

Read Session V here!

The Bad Book...

Thanks to the generosity of fellow LotFP fan Mattplaysgames(discord), I am now the proud owner of the infamous RopeCon Bad Book, a busted up copy of a Red & Pleasant Land. Since the vid has been taken down for some reason I'm not aware of(probably drama-bomb related) this copy of a R&PL was stomped on by the Raggi and sold for charity at GenCon. I just wanted to write this up for memories and thank Matt again. Also the LotFP community is the best, it's probably the only OSR place I really feel a part of. 

Also that promo condom!

Giulia Tofana, Our Lady of Poison, Saint of Widows.

"Husband problems eh, I got just the thing.."

Giulia Tofana a.k.a Tofania was a prolific poisoner who lived during the early to mid 17th century in southern Italy. It's estimated she killed 600 people with her signature poison the "Manna di San Nicola" or Mana of St.Nicholas. This "mana' was a mixture of arsenic, lead, and belladonna. The finished product was odorless, tasteless and easily slipped into the victim's drinks and meals. The poison was also undetectable in the bloodstream during post mortem investigation. Tofanna sold her poison by hiding them in various cosmetic items(make-up powder) and selling them to unhappy wives looking to become happy widows. Unsurprisingly with the way women were treated then, business was good. Eventually Tofana, her daughter Girolama Spera and her followers would be apprehended, tortured and executed for their crimes in 1659. Giulia Tofana's name would live on in infamy and her poison would become known today as Aqua Tofana, named after it's creator.

Tofana screams Lamentations NPC so I stated up her, her daughter, followers and the poison. I took some artistic liberties with their characters since other than the mass killings, not a lot is known,

Giulia Tofana, Armor 13, Move 120′, 2nd Level Specialist, 8 hp, Dagger 1d4 damage , Morale 10. Fancy clothes, case of aqua tofana(12 vials), gold pendant with onyx jewel worth 150sp, 2 silver rings worth 50sp each, 3gp. Charisma 17(+2), Intelligence 14(+1) 4-in-6 Sleight of Hand, 4-in-6 Tinkering, speaks Italian, Sicilian, & Latin.

Goals: 

Help women elevate themselves, live independently, help daughter.

Persona: 

Highly charismatic, quick witted, loves to sell her wares. Will try and bring downtrodden women into her employment.

Appearance:

  Fancy period clothes, tied light brunette hair, olive skin, emerald green eyes. Average height & build.

Secret(s):

Her daughter Girolama was adopted after Giulia killed her real mother. Giulia is sterile.

Girolama Spera, Armor 12, Move 120′, 1st level Specialist, 5 hp, Dagger 1d4 , Morale 9. Fancy clothes, vial of aqua tofana, diamond necklace worth 200sp, 1 gold ring worth 75sp, 1gp. Intelligence 16(+2), 5-in-6 Tinkering, speaks Italian, Sicilian & English.

Goals: 

Perfect the family poison, have children to pass recipe to.

Persona: 

Very intelligent and well spoken would rather focus on her work than socialise. Loves gallows humor though.

Appearance:

  Fancy period clothes, short brown hair, olive skin, earth brown eyes. Short, thicc.

Secret(s):

Knows she's adopted. Doesn't know Giulia killed her real mother though.

Tofana's Followers, Armor 12, Move 120′, 0-level Fighters, 2 hp, Pistol 1d8, Dagger 1d4 damage, Morale 9. Vial of aqua tofana, 1d10sp. Speaks Italian, Sicilian & English

Most of Tofana's Followers are young women who have been lifted out of poverty, unhappy marriages or worse. They are fiercely loyal to both Giulia and her daughter Girolama but at the end of the day are just people, and people make mistakes.

Giulia can be found traveling from town to town in southern Italy selling her "cosmetics" with 1d4+1 followers. Her daughter Girolama stays back at their apothecary in Milan with two assistants brewing the poison and selling various medicines & remedies as a front.

Aqua Tofana, 1 vial costs 25sp and contains 4 doses.

Aqua Tofana is an undetectable poison. The poison kills after 4 doses and is usually administered slowly to mask the poison as a sickness. NPCs do not get saving throws. PCs who pass their saving throws will begin fighting off the poison after 3 days of bed rest. Unless another does is given before then. 4 doses at once is lethal and character must make a Saving Throw vs Poison or die. The cause of death will be obvious.

1st dose Symptoms- Appears as a nasty cold, -1 to all dice rolls.

2nd dose Symptoms- Health decline, cold worsens. -3 to future Poison Saving throws.

3rd dose Symptoms- Bedridden, verge of death. Will fail the next poison saving throw for Aqua Tofana.

4th dose- Death

Conclusion

My sources were this & this. I wrote this up because LotFP needs more mundane stuff to amplify the weirdness. People can be monsters too and some are born from circumstance. Also one my players asked where he could buy some poison.

Kids on Spikes, some words

This is PG-13 LotFP

The whole outrage culture on the internet is getting pretty stale at this point. Some guy posted that the OSR SCENE IS DEAD because of the above art(said guy has since taken down his post for some reason). I just have to ask; If you don't like something why take the time out of your busy life to shit on it? I know it's hard but maybe just move on and make something or if your creatively bankrupt, support those that make something you DO like. There are alot of games out there and not alot of time, enjoy life and kids on spikes.

BTW I like the Kids on Spikes art, I also like Stranger Things. Satire is a thing people.

Death by Bees & Chocolate

I played in a great Blood in the Chocolate one-shot today run by the always cool Getrealroleplaying. The pics above are the character sheets for my boi Medley O'Hare(R.I.P). Medley died deliciously after drowning in a scalding chocolate river running from some bees. Good times, and yes I ate the first weird candy I came across. Gots to.

Draugr & Draculas, BUY IT!

I’m a sucker for DIY stuff, especially zines and especially zines made for LotFP, and guess what I picked up recently? Say hello to Draugr & Draculas, a one-shot zine written by Joshua LH Burnett(BernietheFlumph).

If you want the TL;DR review its good, damn good and you should go out and buy it cause everything in this zine oozes awesomeness.

The Longer, still short review.

I’m not the best at reviews, I prefer to just tell people what I like about things rather than spew a bunch of pointless negatives. SO, I wrote a list of reasons why you should buy this zine instead of a traditional review.

• As the title implies, Draugr & Draculas is vampire themed. Which means if you need a big bad vampire like Dracula this is the zine for you. Burnett even gives us different possible Dracula origin stories, very cool.
• Lore & stats for the undead Draugr as well as a playable Draugr class.
• We get stats, art and a write-up for one of the most prolific female serial killers in history, Elisabeth Bathory. Also a new spell point magic system using blood.
• Dracula’s Castle, complete with a sweet map and loaded with flavor like his three brides and Burnett’s own take on horror icons like the Invisible Man, The Wolfman and more! It's also stacked full of encounters & treasure.
• A new class called the Vampire Hunter who are very reminiscent of the Belmonts from Castlevania series.
• Vampire rules and stats of course.
• The layout is simple and clean and the text is bigger for easy reading. 
• Cool new magic items.
• Want to sell your soul to the devil for power? Draugr & Draculas has you covered.
• A brand new deadly dungeon called the Pagan’s Well. I remember reading Burnett’s recaps regarding the well earlier in the year and I can’t wait to run this one.
• The art, the written material is pretty dark so I like the lighter tone the art gives. Also I grew up watching Cartoon Network during the 90’s. Toons for life.
• It was written with LotFP in mind. As you all know I’m a Lamentations fanboy and I gobble up any homebrew stuff anyone makes. An automatic buy for me.(Also come back to us Joshua, we have milk and cookies.)

Draugr & Draculas is a hell of a fun read, pick a physical copy up before their gone!

You can pick up the PDF here.

&

The physical copy here.

Specialist LEVELS UP!

I had fun writing the Fighter level up bonuses and was requested to do one for thieves. Problem is LotFP doesn’t really have a thief class, they have the Specialist which is a build your own class kind of deal. With that in mind I made these Level Up bonuses a bit more generic(and fun) because of that.

-Whenever the Specialist levels up they roll a d12 and consult the table below-

1. Death Proof: Gain a Death Proof token, you may spend this token on the following: If an attack or effect would cause you to have 0 or less HP, you have 1 instead.
2. Slick as an Eel: You have learned of a plant that when eaten makes your sweat especially oily. You can now slip into spaces ½ your size with ease. Must be nude.
3. Devil's Luck: Once per day you may reroll a skill check you failed.
4. Tools of the Trade: You can macgyver a set of Specialist’s tools out of mundane objects, these tools last for 1 skill check then break. Takes 2 hours minus 1 turn per level to find and make the tools.
5. Concealed Item: Choose a minor weapon or small item. You can hide that weapon/item on your person and it will be undetectable during a search. No stealth check needed.
6. Persona: Add 1 to a mental stat(WIS,INT,CHA) of your choice, cannot exceed 18.
7. Harlequin: During downtime you have learned the Jester skill and begin with it at 1-in-6 modified by CHA(cannot fall below 1). A successful check allows you to entertain peeps with various parlor tricks and jokes, you might earn a little coin too…Also allows you gain a favorable reaction and rumors from any clowns you may encounter. Increase skill by 1 each time this is rolled.
8. Heightened Senses: Choose a sense: Sight, Touch, Smell, Sound, or taste. When making a check with that sense, roll twice take the favorable result. May choose a different sense when rolled again.
9. The Fabled Mcguffin: Name a treasure, could be a pirate’s booty, a magic item or a Saint’s relic, etc. You gain a solid lead to the whereabouts of said treasure. Adventure! If rolled again choose a new treasure or gain another insight to the last one. Your choice.
10. Hypnotism: You have learned how to trick people into doing what you want with subtle word play and gestures as per the Suggestion spell. Must roll a Successful Hypnotism Skill Check, starts at 1-in-6 modified by CHA(Cannot fall below 1). Victims get a Save vs Magic. Increase Hypnotism skill by 1 each time this is rolled.
11. Swashbuckler: Add your DEX & STR mods to melee attack rolls & damage.
12. You See Dead People: Literally. You can sense any undead in a 10ft area around you. Increase by 10 ft each time this is rolled. Careful if you can see them, they can see you...

If the character rolls something they already have and it doesn't have a rolled again option, they get number 1 instead.

Fighter LEVELS UP!

A little something-something for the Fighters when they survive long enough to level up.

Whenever a Fighter levels up they roll a d12. Consult the table below.

1. You gain 1d4 Hit Points.
2. While Parrying, any melee attack against you triggers an immediate melee riposte attack.
3. Increase critical range by 1, up to 3 times. (So a Nat 19-20 would be a critical)
4. You may add your STR/DEX mod to melee/missile damage rolls
5. You gain a Cleave attack, whenever you down a foe with a melee attack you may make another melee attack against an enemy within 10ft.
6. You gain a wicked battle cry. Once per combat you may incite an immediate morale check against humans.
7. Your unarmed attacks do 1d6 damage now. Increase die size each time this is rolled up to a d30.
8. You gain 25 bonus XP for each finishing blow you preform.
9. Add 1 to a physical ability score(STR, DEX, CON) of your choice. Scores cannot exceed 18.
10. Your criticals now do triple damage.
11. You are only surprised on a roll of 1.
12. Choose a favored weapon. You gain +1 to Hit and damage with that weapon. Increase by 1 for each time rolled.

If the character rolls something they already have and it doesn't have a rolled again option, they get number 1 instead.

A Banbury Tale (Threads of Fate, Session III Recap)

Session III of my ongoing Lamentations of the Flame Princess Campaign. Start with Session I here. Also trying out a new format today with the narrative beats of the game. 

Source

The Cast

Aki Ashina, Fighter 1:

A young woman hailing from the far eastern lands of Japan. Wears a eyepatch, speaks broken english and is looking for something or someone...

Otto Kuchin, Fighter 1:

Nobleman's son, turned sellsword, turned monster hunter. From Prussia.

Mildred Hubble, Magic-User 1: 

A horny 12 year old girl from a very secretive school for young spellcasters.

It only smellz...

The party can smell London before they see it, a horrid conglomeration of shit, piss, and sickness. A long queue of sellers and travelers wait outside the city to enter. (Ref’s Notes: I use the “default” LotFP setting of the 17th century.. HOWEVER I am not a historian and use the setting as a backdrop more than a history book. Think of my 17th century Earth as a different world line to ours where weird and supernatural shit happens.)

The Shakedown...

The party is forced to wait in said queue to enter the city and after four hours finally manage to crawl their way to the front. The Guards manning the check-in see their “normal” attire and know they can shake them down for some coin. Average is rich in this time afterall. Luckily the party manages to knock the 10sp toll down to 2sp each thanks to Aki’s exotic charm(dat+1 CHA).

The Curiosity shop on Puddin’ & Rose...

Otto leads the party through alleys and streets, beggars and charlatans and across the river Thames to a small shop on the corner of Puddin’ & Rose. The party enters ringing a small bell over the door and are greeted to a vast assortment of strange baubles and trinkets. Aki and Mildred are mesmerized and immediately begin rummaging through the shoppe. Otto sees his employer Vespero reading a piece of parchment behind the counter in the back and saunters over to him.

The Antiquarian…

At the back of the shop behind a screen of burning incense stands a tall man dressed in all black with a long beaked plague mask obscuring his face. The man known as Vespero lifts his head and greets Otto after some subtle reminding of his relevance. “Ah, yes of course, now I remember. Were you able to procure the item for the client?” Vespero asks. “Of course” Otto replies and recants a small tale to Vespero.
The Antiquarian and Otto strike a deal regarding the parties yet to be brothel and a 10% stake in profits in exchange for Vespero sending clients their way.
Additionally Otto is able to sell the stolen monkey paws for +100sp each(3x).
The esoteric doctor takes an interest in the strange foreigner Aki and asks if he can withdraw some blood for some coin. Aki is hesitant but relents after some coins are waved in her face. Vespero pulls a curtain and takes Aki into a small laboratory in the back of the shoppe. He asks her to disrobe and lay on the steel slab in the middle of the room. Aki hesitates but begins to pull her kimono off her shoulder but is only stopped when the ever persistent Otto denies the good doctor the opportunity to be a creep and tells Aki disrobement shan’t be necessary. Instead Otto sees a slimey opportunity to prey on Aki’s non-english tongue and tells the doctor that the price of a Japanese woman’s blood is 2 doses of Purple Lotus Powder(Death Frost Doom) Vespero agrees to the new terms. (Ref Notes: A chance for someone to horribly screw themselves? What’s not to like?) A long slimy green leech is laid on Aki’s forearm and is fattened with her blood. After removing the leech with fire and squeezing the blood out like toothpaste into a glass jar, the doctor labels it and puts it in a safe. The Prussian is handed a small velvet sack filled with glowing purple dust. Otto immediately jaunts to a nearby chair and begins to roll his newly obtained substance in some paper pulled from his coat.

Meanwhile…

The child witch Mildred peruses the wares of the curiosity shop and tries to ignore the now watchful eye of Vespero at her back. The esoteric man slowly approaches the young girl and offers to buy her for 500sp. A child Magic-User is a rare find after all. Mildred declines the proposition and instead asks if Vespero has a dragon egg for sale. “Of course.” he replies.

Aki dresses and joins Mildred only to find her bartering with Vespero for a dragon egg. “I could commission a hunt for one for 10,000sp.” Vespero says. “Hmmm, that’s a little rich for my blood.” the child squeaks.

Aki inquires about the rare spider lycanthropy but botches it with her bad english
The Prussian rolls and smokes the lotus. He’s stricken with a lucid vision indescribable in human words. (Ref Notes: He rolled hidden from gods[temp]& a permanent +4 to saving throws. Damn his luck.) Then passes out briefly.

Otto wakes with a little blood leaking from his left nostril. He feels different...
Vespero offers to buy the child witch from Otto for 400sp. Otto is tempted but shelves the idea for now…

The party leaves the shop with their new acquired pay but not before Otto buys a strange wooden shield with a man’s face stretched across it. “What does it doe?” Otto asks. “It looks cool.” the doctor replies.

Oh gawd...

The party gathers in a circle outside the shop and discuss where they will gather some prostitutes for their budding brothel. After some ideas are thrown around, eventually they settle on buying some near expulsion age kids from an orphanage. (Ref’s Notes: Oh gawd. We talked about how gross the idea was and continues to be but decided to continue cause fuck it their characters are the real monsters in this game. Also I'm rolling hella low loyalty scores)

The Search…

The party spends a couple hours searching the city for an orphanage instead of easily getting some prostitutes from the red light district. 

Otto feels they're being followed by someone…[Narrator: They are.]

The party makes the mistake of asking a Catholic guard for some assistance. Otto is struck but defends with his weird ass shield. Aki and Mildred manage to deescalate the situation and move on.
The party tries to ignore my doomsayer NPC but I get in there face with him. He remarks on how God is looking for Otto but cannot find him. Also that they’re going to hell. They understandably move on.
Otto sees some poor and destitute on a street corner and asks one of the children, a boy, if he knows where an orphanage is. The boy says he does but he's ever so hungry...Otto offers 2sp if he leads them it. The boys leads them across London to a homely two story house with a chimney. Otto hands the boy a silver piece and walks away. Aki feels bad and pays the boy the other silver piece. The boy kicks his feet and scampers away.

The Orphanage...

Otto, Aki, and Mildred agree to masquerade as a rich noble family looking to adopt some of the children at the orphanage. The priest in charge is hesitant but recants after Otto shows the deed to the manor back at Nonsbeck. "Of course I will allow you buy--URM adopt these poor children" the gross priest says.
The sweaty priest gathers all the children in a line in the backyard and presents them to their new "family".
Aki goes down the line picking the "choice cuts" and pays the "adoption" fee for four of the younger children to work in the manor's kitchen and 4 of the near enough adults to work in the brothel section.
The party then determines how they're going to get out of the city with their haul without attracting too much attention.

But that is a tale for another day...

Read Session IV here!