Sunday, December 15, 2019

I Eat The Elf (A Holiday Table)

North Pole Elf
AC 13(+1 DEX), Move 120′, HD 1, HP 1, Pinch Cheeks 1d4, Morale 10.
Elf Tricks; A North Pole Elf can use their dirty elf magic(psionics) to perform various minor parlor tricks.

After crash landing in the North Pole over 200 years ago, the REDACTED were on the verge of death when Santa Claus found them and brought them back to the Claus Estate to recuperate. The REDACTED were forever grateful and vowed to repay Santa by working in his toy factory. They now call themselves the Elfs as their native name is unpronounceable without 2 tongues and a squeedlyspooch. There are currently 33 "elfs" at the Claus Estate.

So, I hate elves. I just don't think their cool or interesting or anything. They suck. And so with my hatred of Elves/Elfs, I present what happens when you consume a North Pole Elf! Happy Holidays!

As you swallow/snort/smoke/inject/etc the elf you feel a warmth flow throughout your body and...
  1. You explode into a fine red mist that blows away in the wind. Yes, you just died. Fuck elfs am I right?
  2. The Elf's DNA sequences itself onto your pathetic human strands. You slowly and painfully become a elf (with the above stats) over the course of 1d6+1 days. You retain the memories of your human life.
  3. Your brain grows to twice its size. Your skull and neck muscles also grow to house the weight. Your INT becomes 18 or 20 if it was already 18. 
  4. You gain a random psionic power, pull out that Dark Sun book. 
  5. All your teeth fall out and are replaced by hair like bristles like a baleen whale.
  6. You glow in the dark at night, with all the penalties/bonuses that come with that.
  7. Your left hand painfully becomes a weird skin claw thing. You do gain a 1d4 pinch attack, that's kinda cool?
  8. You become immune to all human diseases thanks to the elf's super immune system. The downside is you have to orally expel all the bile build up randomly every 1d4 days. The vomiting takes a turn. 
  9. You no longer age thanks to the elf's ability to repair decayed DNA. However after 100 years you explode into a fine red mist. Why? Because fuck elfs that's why. 
  10. You gain a squeedlyspooch, idk what it does but you have it.